What's a girl to do... - blog by Makbawehuh


It will eat your soul, assuming you have one.

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What's a girl to do...
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Posted 01-Oct-2011 at 09:37 AM (09:37) by Makbawehuh

...When she's home alone, has a new man-creature in her life, and he's not around?

Watch porn!

No, really. And no, this is not a rant about misogyny in porn.

The following material is not suitable for children or prudes.

<--- I suspect this will be me by the time the post is over.
I will say, however, that under normal circumstances, porn is just downright comedic for me. I have to grab a bag of popcorn and find someone to watch it with who is not going to get off on it any more than I do, because I will wind up on my back, crying out, my body contorting...

...With laughter.

<--- Me watching porn, looks a good deal like this most of the time.
YES, PORN IS FUNNY. Why? I could give a list of reasons as long as my arm, but in the end, it just is.

However, once in a while I find something that isn't comedy, and usually this offers surprising fodder for thought. It took a great deal of hunting, but I actually have managed to find some that isn't comedy... Most of the time.

When it's not comedy, odd thoughts go through my head.

Lets take blowjobs in porn, for example.

I find myself comparing what I do to what's on the screen, and drawing conclusions based on what I've been told by men vs. what is being portrayed. After all, I love to learn, and drawing comparisons, making critiques, and deciding what's for the win and what isn't... Could really affect my life!

I mean, I've never run into a relationship that could be maintained with everyone happy for any length of time without decent blowjobs. Thus, it is an important factor in relationships, and indeed in life, to be able to give a good one. I mean, yes, communication, trust, responsibility, all that jazz, are very important, and the most important things, but... Maybe I'm young, but getting away without them coming up is not an option.

<--- I mean, I suppose I could ninja my way out of it somehow, but that would just not be fun...
So, for the critique:

In porn you have two major types of blowjobs, or at least, it's two types from what I've seen, with a couple optional addons that I assume must have been dlc game-content.

So... Your types:

  • Your head bobbing type
  • Your pillowylips barely touching the dick type

Optional content:

  • Tongue action
  • Deep throating

So... Here are my thoughts on the dlc...

This is where the women on screen have me beat, hands down.

The optional (for them) tongue action.

<--- You will never look at this smiley the same way again.
DUDE, if I could move my tongue that fast... Uhm... Uhm... I'd be more successful with the ladies? Okay, seriously, I can pull off some pretty interesting oral acrobatics (Or so I have bee told... Often), but there will be no tying cherry stems in knots, and there will be no lighting fast flicking going on here. Dexterity is my dump stat. Blame my parents, they wrote my character sheet.

...Part of me wonders if they weren't drunk.

<--- An illustration of my point.

So on tonguework they have me either beat to hell, or at a standstill.

And then there's deep throating.

<---The face of a deep throater. You see it is blue, from lack of oxygen.
Again, optional in porn, and usually comes with the head-bobbing sort. It comes with all the bad things I associate with head bobbing (keep reading, I'll get there, I promise!) and not too many good things. Yes, there's some extra depth, but with head bobbing being as dangerous looking and as lame as it seems, I don't see this being much help. Thoughts, guys?

Personally, I have never been able to try it (Gag reflex, ahoy!), so I can't give a whole lot of contrast with how it should be *properly* done, but aside from some extra depth, it does't look like it's worth much in porn.

Clearly once I've had a chance to destroy my gag reflex and work out the kinks, so to speak, I will have to revisit this section.

So what about the main course?

To be quite frank, I find it terribly lacking in porn, overall. When I have spoken to the men in my life, there has been some focus on the visuals, yes, but as far as the work itself goes, the main things seem to be 1) friction, 2) pressure, and 3) suction. Not too much, not too little, in varying forms.

So... Headbobbing!

<--- The subject of headbobbing. Consider this the disclaimer, and move forward at your own risk.
Okay, SERIOUSLY? Sure, there's some friction, but it doesn't look like anything a man can't get with a bottle of lotion and a handjob, with less risk of accidental injury due to careless use of teeth. You may as well stick his dick in your mouth, sit there, and slowly intone "deeeeerp.... deeeeeerp...." as a friggin' meditation mantra! Or at least grab the lotion and lube up your hands!

More seriously, whenever I see headbobbing, all I can think is "She's gonna bite his dick off". I then proceed to either collapse into giggles, or cross my legs in dread of anticipated sympathy pain, depending on how bad the porn is!

I mean, I look at the whole headbobbing thing and go, fuck, why is this even here? Women watch this shit for tips! No wonder I hear so many guy friends complain their women give shitty blowjobs!

(Hint, ladies: Read The Plains of Passage by Jean M. Auel. Actually, read the whole series... Stephen King did not refer to the Earth's Children series as Sex Among the Cave People for no reason! If I can learn to give a decent blowjob out of that book, so can you.)

Fuckin' A. Two things I unequivocally blame on porn: Men's chronic insecurity regarding penis size, and women's apparent inability to give a decent fucking blowjob.

Ahem. Where was I? Oh yeah...

Headbobbing blowjobs.

I assume guys think it looks hot, but I have ever actually heard a man express interest in it, so if I have drawn the wrong conclusion, dear readers, please let me know. First I'll apologize, and then I'll get to practicing until I have mad... headbobbing skillz...

Okay, no, no I won't. I might apologize, but that just looks fucking stupid. >.>

And that's it for headbobbing blowjobs.

So, on to pillowylips barely touching the dick!

<--- The face of a typical pillowylips porn star!
Okay, sure, when a guy wants to rev a girl up, some light touching in the beginning is -great- foreplay, and it's awesome up to a point once he's started to hit the clit... For a while.

I dunno about you guys, but I don't want barely touching fiddling around for five minutes. That's a fucking hors d'oeuvre, not a main meal. After a little while, I want some more substantial action, and so from that standpoint, I have to say pillowylips porn blow jobs only look nice in contrast to the headbobbers, which really... Is like comparing something bad to something even worse to make it look good.

When are McDonald's Chicken McNuggets good?

When you sit them down next to a McDonald's Hamburger, complete with brown lettuce.

Have I made my point?

Don't get me wrong. While I personally find headbobbing embarrassingly irredeemable in so, so many ways, pillowylips at least has the possibility of being decent starter material. Just... If it leaves -me- with a feeling of "That's it?" I have to wonder what's going on for guys. It's a starter, not the full shebang. Watching a half an hour of that shit would bore the fuck out of me...

And I surely would not want to spend more than a couple minutes doing it. Seriously? I'd be so bored.

Anyways... I am done, being a very tired and hardworking bunny as I am.

Thoughts, feelings, rants... Whatever... Are welcome.

I promise, I will try to post more often!
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  1. Old Comment


    Please elaborate.
    Posted 01-Oct-2011 at 09:40 PM (21:40) by Unregistered
  2. Old Comment
    Makbawehuh's Avatar
    On what?
    Posted 01-Oct-2011 at 09:45 PM (21:45) by Makbawehuh Makbawehuh is offline
  3. Old Comment
    It would be very useful if you could do a part two and explain what makes for a good blowjob.
    Posted 01-Oct-2011 at 09:46 PM (21:46) by Southern Geologist Southern Geologist is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Makbawehuh's Avatar
    lol. Silly men.

    I will think about it.
    Posted 01-Oct-2011 at 09:47 PM (21:47) by Makbawehuh Makbawehuh is offline
  5. Old Comment
    blackswordca's Avatar
    Southern Geologist> In all honesty, isn't it the recipient not the giver that has to make that determination?

    Maku> While this is offhand related to the subject of your post, it made me laugh and WTF at the same time: http://tech3d.sakura.ne.jp/tech3D.html
    Posted 04-Oct-2011 at 03:58 AM (03:58) by blackswordca blackswordca is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Makbawehuh's Avatar
    lolwtf, a usb fleshlight?
    Posted 05-Oct-2011 at 03:25 AM (03:25) by Makbawehuh Makbawehuh is offline
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